Locktober is all about male chastity, but I have heard a number of questions along the lines of, "What about female chastity? Is that a fetish too?"
When we talk about “female chastity,” it’s impossible to ignore the layers of control, shame, and regulation that have historically been placed on women’s bodies and sexuality. Patriarchal and religious systems have weaponized chastity as a tool to restrict women’s sexual agency, dictating the narrative around female pleasure. It has often meant shaming women for expressing sexual desires while men’s sexuality has been allowed to flourish without restraint. This double standard, in turn, creates an environment where women’s pleasure is devalued, resulting in a very different view on male versus female chastity.
Patriarchal Control of Female Sexuality
Throughout history, women have been divided into two primary archetypes: the Madonna or the whore. The Madonna is a woman who abstains and is seen as virtuous and pure, whereas the whore is condemned for expressing her sexual agency and punished for being comfortable with her sexuality. The Madonna is respected but considered a prude, while the whore is objectified by merit of her character. This dichotomy has been reinforced so strongly that many women internalize these archetypes, finding themselves trapped in a cycle of sexual codependency, prioritizing male pleasure, performing for men, and placing their sexual fulfillment on the back burner.
This culture of repression has conditioned many women into sexual "submission"—not in the empowered, consensual BDSM sense, but as a form of compliance, codependency, and people-pleasing. Our bodies have been regulated, and the concept of purity has been tied to our worth, which leads to codependent behaviors in relationships. For a large number of women, healing from this requires unlearning years of societal programming. Many women need to be mentored out of these harmful frameworks to regain control of their desires and sexuality. It’s especially poignant given how many women have experienced sexual violence and gaslighting, which leaves lasting scars and requires conscious and extensive healing to form healthy partnerships.
The Myth of “Female Chastity” as a Fetish
Understanding these layers of control is vital in grasping why “female chastity” as a fetish isn’t just another kink for many women—it’s a complex, triggering concept. To think of chastity as something women freely opt into (in a traditional sense) ignores the history of oppression linked to it. We’ve been fighting to break out of a metaphorical chastity belt that society has forced on us from birth. The idea of female chastity, when examined from this perspective, is more than just a sexual restriction—it’s a form of systemic control that women have had to break free from for centuries.
Being born with a womb has often meant our bodies don’t belong to us. They’ve been regulated, controlled, and discussed as though female sexual autonomy is an anomaly. So, when the idea of female chastity is brought up in kink spaces, it can feel like a slap in the face for many women who have already fought so hard for freedom over their own sexual pleasure.
BDSM and Orgasm Control: A Different Dynamic
However, on the flip side of this discussion, many women within BDSM spaces find genuine empowerment in consensual orgasm control and denial with their partners, but it’s essential to draw a distinction here. In BDSM, when women choose orgasm control, the arousal doesn’t stem from an oppressive or externally imposed concept of chastity. Instead, it’s about the thrill of surrendering control in a way that they choose. It’s a reclaiming of power to create more pleasure, not less. The dynamic is different because the woman has agency over her body and pleasure within negotiated boundaries, and that agency is something many women have historically been denied.
Orgasm denial, when consensual, can be an extremely empowering and pleasurable experience. Not only because it shifts the dynamic of pleasure from something external (male-driven and society-imposed) to something internal (a journey of self-discovery, excitement, and surrender), but orgasm control and denial often open the door to more extensive foreplay and sexual teasing, where the woman can sustain higher degrees of arousal longer. For some, the act of giving their partner control over their pleasure heightens their experience while still placing them in the driver’s seat, knowing that an explosive orgasm is eventually awaiting them.
Ultimately, the concept of “female chastity” within BDSM must be approached thoughtfully and with an awareness of the loaded history that comes with it. The mere mention or sight of a “chastity belt” itself can be highly triggered and reminiscent of a patriarchal relic and carries a different connotation when consensually adopted by women in BDSM. It becomes less about societal control and more about deepening trust, teasing, and the playful surrender of power.
But this doesn’t mean the term isn’t problematic for many women. The cultural baggage of chastity still weighs heavily, and for many, it is essential to understand the difference between reclaiming chastity as a consensual kink versus having it imposed through societal norms, and that is why thorough negotiation is always crucial before any type of play!
XOXO, Ms. Elle
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