Do you desire a profoundly erotic Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or lifestyle with your partner but don’t know where to start? Maybe you’ve begun initial negotiations but feel unsure about the next steps. Perhaps you want to deepen the connection in your dynamic but are confused about how exactly to do so. Or, you might feel lost trying to navigate through the endless voices, content, and advice promising kinky success. If any of these resonate with you, you’re in the right place, because here are ten simple keys to help you build your dream D/s dynamic!
1. Establish Clear Roles
The foundation of any BDSM relationship starts with clearly defining the roles of each partner. Despite common misconceptions, it’s not the kinks that define BDSM; it’s the roles of Dominant and submissive. Consider this: if the kink is bondage, how can it be executed if roles aren’t established? Who will be the one binding (The Rigger), and who will be bound? (Watch: 5 Ways to Add a Power-Exchange Dynamic to Your Relationship!) This principle applies to all types of BDSM play—roles of Top and bottom, or Dominant and submissive, facilitate any subsequent play. Without clarity on roles, confusion and ambiguity will prevent further exploration and enjoyment.
2. Discuss Limits and Boundaries
After establishing roles, a thorough discussion about each partner’s limits and boundaries is essential. Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) is the guiding principle in BDSM (RACK, 4 C's, etc., are other common consent guidelines), and part of maintaining safety includes understanding what I call the “fenceline.” This fenceline encompasses each partner’s hard limits, soft limits, edge zones, and triggers. (Watch: Expanding Limits and Dealing with Sub Drop!) Having these boundaries documented for easy reference reinforces safety and clarity, which is a big reason for having a BDSM contract. While not legally binding, a contract ensures everything remains clear and concise, giving all partners an easy way to reference necessary information throughout the dynamic.
3. Agree on Slow Words and Safewords
A crucial part of any D/s dynamic is establishing slow words, safewords, and a “stop sign,” used as a safeword in case of speech restrictions, such as a gag. It’s important that all parties are clear and united on their definitions. For some, using a safeword may signal the end of a scene, lifting all roles and prompting an immediate debrief. For others, it might indicate that the submissive has reached their limit with a specific activity, requiring a restart or redirection. (Watch: Common BDSM Boundaries that Newbies Need to Know!) Whatever your choice, ensure all players are on the same page. Remember, safewords are not just for submissives; they allow the Dominant to explore within the established fenceline without fear of unintentional harm.
4. Determine the Structure of Your Dynamic
Next, consider the structure of your D/s relationship. How often or how formal do you want your dynamic to be? This can be viewed as a spectrum rather than a binary switch between vanilla and kinky. For instance, you might engage in D/s only during sexual or BDSM play, or you might wish to incorporate this polarity and power dynamic throughout daily life. (Watch: 4 Areas to Negotiate for a Power-Exchange Dynamic!) Think of high protocol as a more intense expression of your D/s arrangement, perhaps in private. Low protocol could be appropriate for public or family settings, while no protocol might be necessary during certain times, like illness or stress. The key is to mold D/s around your life, ensuring sustainability without burnout.
5. Establish Rules
Rules are essential because they create opportunities for both punishment and funishment within your dynamic, whether or not you invest in ongoing submissive training. As the Dominant, consider rules that will enhance your life, foster connection, and provide nurturing, growth, and challenge for your submissive. The more specific you can be with these rules, the better. Specificity avoids confusion, manipulation, or unintentional disobedience. For example, rather than simply stating, “The submissive must eat healthy,” a more specific rule might be, “The submissive is not allowed to consume any candy, chocolate, cake, cookies, pies, pastries, or soda.” This clarity often deepens the attachment between Dominant and submissive, creating a stronger connection. (Watch: How to Be More Dominant Without Punishment!)
6. Incorporate Rituals
Rituals differ from rules in that they help keep the submissive focused on their submission, aware of the power dynamic, and consistent in their disciplines. Rituals aren’t about busywork; they’re about adjusting the submissive’s focus to benefit themselves, the Dominant, and the dynamic as a whole. For example, a ritual might involve the submissive making the bed after the Dominant leaves for work and taking a kneeling selfie once the task is complete. This example ritual benefits home organization fosters connection through engagement and grounds the submissive in their role. (Watch: 7 Ways to be More Dominant Without Punishment: Steps 1-4!)
7. Define Protocols
Protocols, while often clumped together with rituals and rules, serve a different purpose. If rules represent the Dominant’s standards and rituals represent the submissive’s disciplines, then protocols are the actions triggered explicitly by the Dominant’s presence or absence. A protocol might stand alone or trigger a ritual. For instance, if the submissive’s evening ritual is to prepare dinner in an apron and collar, and the Dominant has established a protocol where the submissive greets Him at the door, the protocol takes precedence when the Dominant arrives home. (Watch: 7 Ways to Be More Dominant Without Punishment: Steps 5-7!)
8. Establish Incentives
Your submissive will struggle to maintain rules, rituals, and protocols without sufficient incentives within the dynamic. Incentives, such as funishments and rewards, inspire the submissive to stay disciplined even when motivation wanes. Funishments are playful punishments that the submissive secretly enjoys, while rewards can be anything that brings them pleasure. (Watch: BDSM Key Concepts - Punishment vs. Funishment!) A balance of positive reinforcement and correction ensures that the submissive remains motivated and dedicated to their role.
9. Incorporate Correction and Punishment When Necessary
While incentives are important, a balance of correction and punishment is also necessary. This is not about creating tedious rules to set the submissive up for failure. Instead, proper Domination involves guiding the submissive back to the path you both wish them to follow. When they stay steady, they should be rewarded abundantly. If they deviate, correction or punishment may be necessary. However, these punishments should always be acts of loving redirection, not excuses for shaming or abuse. (Watch: The Art of Correction and Punishment in BDSM!)
10. Prioritize Aftercare
Aftercare is crucial in any BDSM dynamic. It ensures that all partners safely come down from the physical, sexual, and psychological highs of a scene. Aftercare might involve cuddles, snacks, naps, or whatever helps partners reconnect in a tender and nurturing way. It also provides an opportunity to debrief, discuss the highlights of the scene, and note areas for improvement. Proper aftercare strengthens the bond and builds trust between partners. (Watch: How to Handle a Submissive's Intense Crash After a Scene)
Starting a D/s relationship can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re new to the Lifestyle. If you’re looking for a resource to guide you through these steps and more, watch my video: 10 Secrets to an Awesome BDSM Lifestyle, and download my BDSM Newbie Bundle, which contains seven incredible worksheets and downloads:
BDSM Personality Guide
Kink Checklist
BDSM Contract Template
Submissive Training Guide
Submissive Reward Ideas
Submissive Punishment Ideas
BDSM Dictionary
With these tools, you can build the incredible BDSM Lifestyle you’ve been craving! Get started now and design your dream dynamic!
XOXO, Ms. Elle
Comments